I don’t love my wife anymore. What now?
“I don’t love my wife anymore. Now what?”
As a husband, it’s probably the hardest statement you’ll ever have to say out loud. But if it’s true—and the marriage problems you’re having are making you question whether or not you really love your wife anymore—then you need to get to the bottom of what’s contributing to your relationship issues.
Once you understand more about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, you can make an informed decision about how to move forward with your romantic life and pursuits.
I don’t think I love my wife anymore: what to do
Start by getting to the crux of the issue
On our podcast about life, relationships and coaching, we discussed a husband and wife who were going through some pretty serious marriage problems. After an incident at a diner where the wife told a waitress she “didn’t need to try anymore because she’d already hooked a hubby,” the two partners got into a dayslong feud.
While the wife was upset about a rude comment the waitress made, the husband couldn’t stop thinking about the comment his partner had made. Did she really not need to try for him anymore? That didn’t sit right with him.
The more he thought about it, the husband was bothered that his partner had an underlying belief that she didn’t need to work mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally to make their relationship succeed. That was what was contributing to his anger and frustration—but it took him some time to figure things out.
Ask yourself follow up questions and write your answers down over time
If you’re constantly thinking “I don’t love my wife anymore,” ask yourself follow up questions. Why? When did it start? How did it start? Did anything make it better? Is this a momentary feeling, or has it been pervasive?
Write these thoughts down in a journal now, and come back to them in a week to rewrite your answers. Then compare your results to see whether or not your feelings on the subject have changed, or if they’ve stayed the same.
Prepare to have an honest conversation with your wife
You’ve probably been ruminating about how unhappy you are in your marriage for some time. But when was the last time you talked to your wife about it?
Relationship issues start because of a lack of communication, and they only fester the longer two people refuse to talk to one another. In preparation for a sit-down conversation with your wife, take some time to think or write out exactly what you want to say.
Note that this doesn’t mean you need to make a decision about anything yet. You just need to get ready to talk about what’s been on your mind.
Have “the talk” and listen as much as you speak
Maybe you’ve been arguing with your wife a lot lately. Or maybe the two of you aren’t on great speaking terms right now. Whatever the case, when it’s time for “the talk,” you need to put all of your stonewalling tactics aside in order to have a deep and honest conversation about the state of your relationship.
Tell your wife everything that’s been weighing you down—while reassuring them that you want to hear their side of things, too. Get ready to hear any of the grievances they’ve had, and don’t try to defend yourself when they come up. Reserve this time as a time to listen and truly hear your partner.
Take some time to debrief
You’ve just had the talk. Now what?
Chances are good things got pretty intense, emotional and fraught, so it’s time to take a respite and reflect on everything you’ve shared and learned. That might mean taking some time apart to ruminate on things. Or it might mean being in the presence of family and friends.
Whatever the case, give yourself some time to think—alone.
Come together and make a decision
The two of you have both had time to think. Now it’s time to get back together and communicate about what you’d like to happen next. If that means staying together and working on your relationship, then it’s time to invest in some serious professional resources, such as therapy or coaching.
If not, and the two of you think you’d be better off splitting up, then you’ll want to look into ways of separating amicably with your partner. If the two of you have children together, try not to put any of this on them—don’t use them as messengers or conduits for your marriage, and make their transition to a new lifestyle as seamless as possible.
If you don’t love your wife anymore, do what’s right
We’ll be honest with you: no blog on the internet can give you perfect advice for what to do when you’re not sure you love your wife anymore. Marriages are more complex than people on the outside can see, and the best advice is going to come from people who’ve witnessed every aspect of your relationship up close.
That’s why we recommend coaching. The Journal That Talks Back™ is a tandem journal-coaching platform where you can talk to life coaches 24/7 about your relationship issues while also journaling about them. If you want specific advice about your marriage problems, talking in real time with a certified coach is the best way to do it.
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